My mind does strange things. It has an endless, boring monologue. I'm always mentally leading troops into battle, being struck by cars, or imagining myself to be more successful and capable than I actually am. I live in my head, in a land of fantasy and hope that will never come true.

I'm forever stuck in a loop. Be lazy, swear I won't be as lazy tomorrow, continue to be lazy. Drink too much, swear off, continue to drink. Eat because there's food. Play video games rather than read. Worry about my past rather than my future.

I've been trying drugs. They help a little, but not much. Worth it, I guess. I want to be manic more often than I am. There will be days where I get everything done. Where I'm a fuckin' dynamo. But they're few and far between.

Most of this is of my own making. If only U had the wherwithal to do something. Some spine, some fortitude. I know that it's the kind of rich, wihte-people problem that doesn't mean a goddamn thing. It's the sort of problem that most humans would kill to have. Here I am, though, whining about it on the Internet, sounding like a tortured teenager rather than the adult that people keep telling me I've become.

I'm starting to believe the things I've read about how the Internet is changing the way we think and screwing with our attention spans. I remain somewhat skeptical - I'm certain that mass printing of books was claimed to have a bad effect on our minds when it was new - but I do notice that I am one of many people who cannot focus on a task for more than a few minutes at a time. Seriously, how did people waste time at work before the World Wide Web? Their ability to stare into space for long periods must have been amazing, since per-worker productivity just keeps climbing.